2 Separate the People from the Problem

The chapter opens by illustrating how people problems derail substance: a union dispute shows misread intentions between Jones and foreman Campbell, and an insurance counsel’s approach triggers a defensive state commissioner. These examples show how misunderstandings, ego, and perceived attacks entangle relationships with issues, risking escalation and stalemate.

The authors assert that negotiators are people first, with emotions and differing perceptions. Every negotiator has interests in both substance and the relationship, which positional bargaining often pits against each other. The remedy is to separate relationship from substance and deal directly with people problems using psychological tools rather than substantive concessions.

On perception, they urge empathic understanding, avoiding fear-based attributions, and refraining from blame. They recommend discussing perceptions explicitly, acting against negative expectations, involving counterparts early to create ownership, and enabling face-saving by aligning proposals with counterparts’ values and prior positions.

On emotion, they advise recognizing and naming feelings on both sides, allowing venting without retaliation, and containing outbursts rather than reacting. Symbolic gestures and apologies can defuse tension at low cost, clearing the way for rational problem-solving.

On communication, they identify three failures—talking past each other, not hearing, and misunderstanding—and prescribe active listening with acknowledgment, speaking to be understood (not to third parties), private channels and smaller meetings, using “I” statements, and speaking only with a clear purpose.

Prevention is best: build personal working relationships before negotiating, and reframe the encounter from face-to-face confrontation to side-by-side collaboration on a joint problem. Keep people issues distinct from merits throughout, consistently returning discussion to shared tasks and fair outcomes.