If He Had Been with Me, #2
If Only I Had Told Her
by Laura Nowlin
Contents
Autumn — One
Overview
Six days after leaving the hospital, Autumn tries to engage with life by shopping for baby clothes with her mother and Aunt Angelina. The outing triggers acute grief and nausea, underscoring Finn’s absence. After a candid exchange about motherhood and loss, Autumn recommits to enduring for her baby, though joy remains muted by grief.
Summary
Autumn narrates existing in a “gray space” between not wanting to die and not yet wanting to live. Six days after discharge, her mother and Aunt Angelina push her to show enthusiasm for something, taking her to a baby boutique to make the pregnancy feel real.
In the store, tiny clothes spark a dissociative flashback to a hospital moment with Finn, flooding Autumn with grief as she confronts his absence. Conversation cautiously avoids reminiscing about Finn as a baby, and the unease culminates in Autumn becoming nauseous and rushing out to vomit.
By the trash bin, Aunt Angelina offers water and blunt reassurance: motherhood often means losing control and surviving it. When Autumn apologizes, Angelina affirms that it’s still “worth it, even if they die,” acknowledging her own grief for Finn while comforting Autumn. A security guard checks on them, and Autumn’s mother emerges with bags of baby clothes.
On the drive home, Autumn and her mother fill the silence by discussing purchases, masking the failed attempt to stir excitement. Autumn recognizes that every baby-related task intensifies Finn’s absence, yet she wants the baby and believes Finn would too. She ends resolved to endure for the child, accepting that her joy remains muted by grief.
Who Appears
- AutumnNarrator; newly home from the hospital, pregnant with Finn’s baby, battling grief and nausea, resolves to endure for the child.
- Aunt AngelinaAutumn’s aunt; practical and compassionate, comforts Autumn, framing motherhood as surviving loss and affirming worth despite Finn’s death.
- Autumn’s motherTries to spark Autumn’s hope by shopping for baby clothes, supportive yet careful around shared grief.
- FinnDeceased boyfriend whose memory overwhelms Autumn; his absence defines her grief and motivation to keep going.
- SaleswomanGreets the group and backs off, sensing their mood in the boutique.
- Security guardChecks on Autumn after she vomits and directs them to facilities.