If He Had Been with Me, #2
If Only I Had Told Her
by Laura Nowlin
Contents
Jack — Thirteen
Overview
Jack drifts through early college days consumed by grief for Finn. He imagines an alternate campus life where Finn dates Autumn, rehearsing a fight that ends with reconciliation. Nighttime doubts raise fantasies that Finn survived, but Jack rejects them, accepting Finn wouldn’t leave them suffering. College remains hollow without him.
Summary
Jack begins college unable to engage with campus life, constantly filtering experiences through thoughts of Finn. He pictures how Finn would react to dining hall food and the trees, and feels the persistent absence of his best friend in every crowd.
Jack constructs an imagined scenario where Finn lived and arrived at college as Autumn’s boyfriend. He anticipates Finn’s devotion to Autumn overshadowing their friendship and envisions a mounting frustration that culminates in a fight. In Jack’s mental script, Finn apologizes and promises to make more time for him, affirming the depth of their bond.
At night, Jack’s grief shifts to doubt and denial. He wonders if the body buried wasn’t Finn’s, considers amnesia or flight born of guilt over Sylvie’s death, and runs through implausible explanations that would allow Finn’s return.
Ultimately, Jack rejects these fantasies by recalling Finn’s character: a future doctor who would never abandon loved ones to suffer. Accepting that Finn is truly gone, Jack concludes there is little else to say about college, which feels empty without him.
Who Appears
- JackNarrator; struggles to process college without Finn, imagines alternate scenarios, wrestles with denial, and accepts Finn’s death.
- FinnAbsent best friend; central to Jack’s imaginings, remorse, and final acceptance that he wouldn’t abandon them.
- AutumnFinn’s love interest; in Jack’s imagined scenario, dates Finn, straining Jack and Finn’s friendship.
- SylvieHer death triggered the tragedy; invoked in Jack’s doubts about how Finn died and his guilt fantasies.