If He Had Been with Me
by Laura Nowlin
Contents
Chapter 43
Overview
Autumn witnesses signs that her mother’s depression is worsening and hears Aunt Angelina consulting doctors. While recalling the lifelong bond between her mother and Angelina, Autumn confronts her own coping stance of being “fine.” Her father rushes home, and Angelina gently names Autumn’s tangled feelings for Finny, framing love as complex.
Summary
Autumn sits on the stairs while her mother cries in the kitchen and Aunt Angelina speaks with doctors, suggesting a possible return to the hospital. Autumn catalogs the subtle household signs that always precede her mother’s downturns, recalling how warnings are dismissed as her mother simply “relaxing.”
Listening from the hall, Autumn imagines the scene inside: her mother collapsing into tears while Angelina soothes her. Autumn remembers the shifting stories of how her mother and Angelina met, recognizing their lifelong, devoted bond that balances Angelina’s outer chaos with her mother’s inner darkness.
Autumn’s father arrives home quickly and checks on her. Autumn insists she is fine, reflecting that as long as she still wants to live, she believes she must be fine, even as the family braces for another crisis.
After her father goes to the kitchen, Angelina emerges to reassure Autumn. When Angelina offers to call Finny, Autumn flinches, revealing her conflicted yearning for him and for everyone she loves to be present—and for her mother to be truly okay. Angelina acknowledges, “Love is complex,” and Autumn rests her head on her knees, holding back tears.
Who Appears
- AutumnNarrator; observes her mother’s depressive spiral, insists she’s “fine,” and grapples with longing for Finny and stability.
- Aunt AngelinaAdvocates for medical help, comforts Autumn’s mother, recognizes Autumn’s conflicted feelings, and affirms that love is complex.
- Autumn’s motherIn crisis; crying and possibly returning to the hospital as subtle household signs confirm her worsening depression.
- Autumn’s fatherRushes home from work, checks on Autumn, then joins Angelina to support his wife.
- FinnyOffstage presence; Angelina offers to call him, prompting Autumn’s conflicted desire for his support.