If He Had Been with Me
by Laura Nowlin
Contents
Chapter 38
Overview
Autumn descends into a winter depression, marked by insomnia, academic withdrawal, and creative paralysis. Strained dynamics intensify: she fights with Jamie, avoids Finny, and resents her father’s renewed absence while rejecting her mother’s hurt. The chapter cements Autumn’s isolation and foreshadows lasting consequences if nothing changes.
Summary
Winter leaves Autumn depleted and isolated. She struggles to read, naps after school, wakes before dawn, and lies awake with intrusive thoughts. Exhaustion undermines her schoolwork; after dozing in English, her teacher judges her harshly, and Autumn withdraws from class discussions.
Autumn’s afternoons collapse into hiding under the covers. With Jamie, she swings between anger that he cannot understand her and desperate pleas that he never leave, feeding a cycle of conflict and reassurance.
Regular family dinners with Finny and Aunt Angelina continue, but Autumn flees to avoid small talk and the pain of proximity. Convinced that Finny is happier without her and content with Sylvie, she distances herself further.
At home, her father abandons Family Dinners again, and her mother’s hurt angers Autumn. Physical signs of winter wear her down—chapped hands, neglected tiaras—and her writing stalls completely. She stops believing spring will bring relief, fearing some winters never end.
Who Appears
- AutumnNarrator; spirals into winter depression, insomnia, creative block, and social withdrawal.
- JamieAutumn’s boyfriend; argues with her, then reassures her when she clings to him.
- FinnyChildhood friend; present at family dinners, avoided by Autumn as she assumes he’s happier without her.
- Autumn’s motherHurt by husband’s absence; her pain frustrates Autumn, adding to household tension.
- Autumn’s fatherReturns to old schedule, abandoning Family Dinners, worsening Autumn’s resentment.
- Aunt AngelinaAttends regular dinners with Finny; part of the routine Autumn now avoids.
- English teacherJudges Autumn for dozing in class; Autumn stops participating.
- SylvieFinny’s girlfriend; Autumn believes he loves Sylvie and doesn’t miss her.