Chapter 21

Jamie’s new driver’s license gives Autumn and Jamie freedom to be together despite her curfew. They mostly drive aimlessly, sometimes parking to make out, and Autumn romanticizes the movie-like secrecy of intimacy in the car even as the setting is uncomfortable.

Autumn reflects on driving and control. She notes that Jamie seems like a good driver and enjoys watching him, feeling a heightened desire because his attention is on the road. Though her mother promises her father will teach her to drive, Autumn remains dependent on Jamie for mobility.

In contrast, Finny earned his license on his birthday. Aunt Angelina taught him and considers him capable but fears for his safety, leaping from driving to the possibility of death—an anxiety Autumn struggles to understand. Autumn sums herself up starkly: she is a virgin and cannot drive.

Autumn delineates her sexual boundaries with Jamie. She permits touching and allows him to touch her but refuses full sex, insisting on privacy and first-time mutual unveiling. This strategy helps her manage fear about losing her virginity and preserves an idealized vision of “making love.”

While driving one evening, Jamie asks Autumn to hold the wheel as he reaches for a CD. Autumn panics and nearly runs them off the road before Jamie corrects their course. At her house, Jamie jokes that she should never learn to drive because he couldn’t stand her killing herself, which deepens Autumn’s conflation of sex and mortality—both inevitable yet unimaginable.

At night, Autumn listens for Finny returning home after his later curfew. She watches the light in his room switch on and off and envisions him lying by his window across from hers, with only panes and air between them, emphasizing intimacy at a distance and unresolved longing.