Cover of A Parade of Horribles

A Parade of Horribles

by Matt Dinniman


Genre
Fantasy, Science Fiction, Horror, Humor and Comedy
Year
2026
Pages
705
Contents

Chapter 35

Overview

As Carl reaches Hungry Eyes Village, Quemada’s fatalistic talk about killing Hellik forces him to confront how Emberus’s quest leaves him trapped between multiple deadly outcomes. Eris then freezes time, offers to protect Carl if he truly worships her, and tells him he must work with Akuma because opening the Pineapple Cabaret could become an escape route for crawlers. By marking Carl with a chaotic "fifth side" to a deadly prophecy, Eris turns Carl’s unresolved god problem into a more immediate and unpredictable threat.

Summary

Carl, Donut, Olga, and Quemada enter a quieter Hungry Eyes Village, where fewer racers are left on the streets. Donut makes awkward conversation with Olga about frogs, toads, and old friends, but Carl is distracted by the sight of the thinning field and by Team Free Love waiting ahead. As they walk, Quemada privately tells Carl that Emberus ordered her to help any fellow worshipper and that she raised Team Helix’s price because she expects she and Carl will die when they eventually try to kill Hellik. Her blunt acceptance of martyrdom forces Carl to reconsider the divine quest he has been postponing.

Carl then mentally reviews his options and finds that all of them seem fatal. If Carl refuses Emberus’s quest or leaves the church, he risks a smite; if Carl kills Hellik, Emberus has already said he will kill Carl for succeeding; and Carl concludes that the only remaining path may be killing Emberus himself, which also seems nearly impossible. Carl recognizes that he has been too focused on surviving the current race to address this larger threat, but he still decides they are not ready to face Hellik yet.

Before Carl can continue, Donut suddenly reacts and time freezes for everyone except Carl. A system message announces that Eris has entered the realm, and her random divine effect makes one magical effect, item, or aura from someone nearby become permanent. Eris appears behind Carl with a tiny robot Uzi Jesus on her shoulder, confirms she has lost her sponsor, and implies that Imani will understand the permanent-effect change after Eris leaves. She also warns Carl about the active C&W&U restaurant and makes it clear that she and her pet are watching Florin for another purpose.

Eris tells Carl that he is running out of time on the Emberus problem and offers him protection if he becomes her true worshipper instead. She openly says she wants the Ascendent throne, claims Carl is an agent of chaos, and lays out her plan: Carl must cooperate with Akuma and the war mages because Akuma can open the Pineapple Cabaret, which could become an escape route for crawlers; Carl must eventually worship Eris sincerely; and Carl must let her "score" the surface world so she can reshape it. Carl presses for details, but Eris keeps the offer manipulative and vague, promising enormous rewards if she wins while admitting she mainly wants power.

To seal the encounter, Eris produces a five-sided coin and shows Carl four possible grim outcomes tied to his future: Donut’s death, Carl’s mutilation, the death of most of his friends, or Carl becoming what others accuse him of. Carl panics and offers immediate worship, but Eris rejects that because she wants faith forged through suffering. When robot Uzi Jesus flips the coin, Carl snatches it midair instead of letting it land. Eris delightedly declares that Carl has chosen the hidden fifth side, and the coin dissolves into a moving swirl tattoo on Carl’s palm. She says the fifth result could mean any, all, or none of the other outcomes, kisses Carl, and leaves him marked by a new, unpredictable form of chaos.

Who Appears

  • Carl
    Protagonist; wrestles with Emberus’s impossible quest and is marked by Eris’s chaotic fifth outcome.
  • Eris
    Chaos goddess who freezes time, recruits Carl, and imposes an unpredictable prophecy on him.
  • Quemada
    Fairy driver and Emberus worshipper; explains her high fee and expects martyrdom against Hellik.
  • Donut
    Carl’s companion; banters with Olga and is frozen mid-leap when Eris arrives.
  • Robot Uzi Jesus
    Eris’s tiny mechanical pet who assists her and flips the prophetic coin.
  • Emberus
    Offstage fire god whose quest traps Carl between smiting, death, and rebellion.
  • Hellik
    Offstage brother god Carl is ordered to kill; the target of Quemada’s planned martyrdom.
  • Olga
    Toad member of Team Helix traveling with Carl and Donut into Hungry Eyes Village.
  • Imani
    Nearby crawler whom Eris indicates may be affected by her permanence-causing divine aura.
  • Akuma
    Offstage war mage leader Eris says Carl must cooperate with to open the Pineapple Cabaret.
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