Cover of A Parade of Horribles

A Parade of Horribles

by Matt Dinniman


Genre
Fantasy, Science Fiction, Horror, Humor and Comedy
Year
2026
Pages
705
Contents

Chapter 82

Overview

Scolopendra’s random transformations throw the starting grid into chaos, turning Carl into a dachshund and scrambling multiple teams, but Carl rapidly reorganizes his side and triggers contingency three. Once the heat begins, the crawlers stop holding back and use coordinated attacks to wipe out their NPC opposition almost instantly, proving the race has become open extermination rather than competition. The chapter ends with Carl springing the next stage of a trap aimed at surviving threats like Osvaldo.

Summary

As the racers recover from Scolopendra’s transformation attack, the team checks in over chat. Imani reports that Elle has become a goblin and Jacobus a starfish, Chris says he is now a werewolf, and Prepotente confirms that he and Jurgen were protected because his Apito memorial crystal shields anyone in the same building or mount. Carl discovers that he has been turned into a long-haired dachshund, which leaves him unable to drive, strips off some of his equipment, and even changes how the system spells his name.

Because Carl no longer has hands, the team improvises. Samantha is added as a driver, Donut takes the pedals, and Carl assigns himself and Dr. Metcalf to weapons. While adjusting to the altered interface, Carl notices that his mercenary pontiff has left the playing field and realizes the AI expected chaos and may be leaving the racers a brutal way out. He quickly messages Mordecai to confirm the garden is still intact, then orders everyone facing multiple opponents to execute contingency three.

With only seconds left before the start, Carl makes one last attempt to talk Osvaldo down and asks whether the Ysalte crystal blocked the Scolopendra effect. Osvaldo refuses peace and says it did not. When the light turns green, Carl’s side abandons any effort to limit crawler-on-crawler violence and launches a coordinated slaughter. Against Team Sparkles, Dr. Metcalf times the attack, Carl’s weapons strip defenses with the hole punch, vine-killing potion balls, and a GPS-frying potion, and Donut leaps out as smoke, kills Dwight with one claw swipe, and steals the unicorn’s magical horn.

Similar ambushes erupt across the lobby, and most of the targeted NPC rivals die almost immediately, though a few NPC-only teams manage to flee down the course. Carl briefly wonders whether the AI will truly free any who complete the heat, but he turns back to the immediate threat as Bruna recovers and Osvaldo advances on his gnu. Knowing the timing has to be exact because Osvaldo is so fast and heavily shielded, Carl warns everyone that the roof is coming down, starts a countdown, and detonates the ceiling trap as the chapter ends.

Who Appears

  • Carl
    Turned into a dachshund; reorganizes the truck, orders contingency three, and detonates a trap.
  • Donut
    Takes over pedal work, helps adapt Carl’s plan, and kills Dwight in the opening ambush.
  • Samantha
    Added as an emergency driver after Carl loses the ability to drive.
  • Osvaldo
    Rival crawler who rejects Carl’s appeal and becomes the focus of Carl’s next trap.
  • Prepotente
    Confirms his Apito memorial crystal protected him and nearby allies from transformation.
  • Dr. Metcalf
    Helps Carl operate and time the truck’s weapons during the opening strike.
  • Mordecai
    Answers Carl’s urgent question and confirms the garden is still intact.
  • Bruna
    Nearby opponent who survives the first blast and remains dangerous as Osvaldo moves.
  • Dwight
    Team Sparkles combatant killed almost immediately in the coordinated crawler assault.
  • Jamal
    Stuck awkwardly in the truck and unable to take over driving duties.
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