Cover of A Parade of Horribles

A Parade of Horribles

by Matt Dinniman


Genre
Fantasy, Science Fiction, Horror, Humor and Comedy
Year
2026
Pages
705
Contents

Chapter 32

Overview

As the third heat reaches its final waves, Carl and Donut survive a catastrophic Sugar Hermit assault by turning Donut's Temporary Macaroni spell into a moving tunnel, even as hired allies die and Gluteus Maxx loses the ability to drive. When Gluteus collapses at the finish, Carl improvises a desperate final push, only for Dwight's cannon blast to send multiple vehicles crashing across the line together. Carl and Donut still claim first place, while the Wild Hunt and the Jugglers are eliminated and the feud with Team Sparkles intensifies for the next race.

Summary

As Carl and Donut race downhill through the third heat, Donut complains that killing thousands of Sugar Hermits did not earn her a level. Carl spots the giant beetle skull of Tem blocking the road near the finish and receives updates from the other racers: Jasha says Team Free Love is still behind them, while Chiyome reports that Carl's earlier missile strike has spread blinding goo onto other teams and made the road even more dangerous. Gluteus Maxx grows increasingly manic and incoherent at the wheel, showing that the drugs affecting him are getting worse just as wave three begins and then the final wave starts almost immediately after.

The Sugar Hermits attack from every direction, bursting up through the road and raining from the sky like explosive skulls. Their truck's shield fails, the windshield shatters, and the ghouls Carl hired begin dying under the bombardment. To survive, Carl orders Donut to chain-cast Temporary Macaroni, creating a series of giant dried cannelloni tunnels around the truck. The tunnels block many of the falling and rising Hermits, but gaps remain, forcing Carl to smash intruding creatures by hand and kill one that clings to his gauntlet with Bang Bro. In the middle of the chaos, Carl learns that the Wild Hunt has been eliminated, then discovers he can no longer message Chiyome before the Jugglers are also announced dead. Another ghoul is killed, and when a skull-creature clamps onto Donut's face, Dorota rips it apart and saves her.

Near the end of the tunnel, Carl sees the finish ahead, but Tem's skull and a mass of Sugar Hermits still clog the way. He tells Donut to stop attacking and focus on shielding herself and Gluteus, only to realize Gluteus has collapsed unconscious over the wheel. Carl grabs control, Donut tears free of her restraints and slams the accelerator, and Carl hauls himself onto the hood while steering from outside. He activates Daughter's Kiss and prepares to smash through the final obstacle with his enlarged feet. At that exact moment, Dwight and Lucienne surge up in Team Sparkles' vine and fire their cannon into the truck. The blast flips Carl's food truck, clips the Lady Dominators' GTO, and sends all three vehicles spinning through the air. Carl's feet still destroy Tem's skull, and the truck, the GTO, and the vine all cross the finish line together in a violent crash.

Carl survives only because a health-scroll contingency triggers, and he quickly drinks healing potions while lying broken on the track. Donut emerges unharmed and rushes to him, while Jasha and Radoslav pull the unconscious Gluteus from the wreckage. Corky is badly hurt but alive, and Rapture gives Genesis a healing potion. Dwight and Lucienne, also alive, taunt Carl and promise to target his team in the next race before limping away to their garage. When the official standings appear, Carl and Donut learn that the Royal Court of Princess Donut has taken first place despite the chaos. Team Sparkles finishes second, the Lady Dominators third, Team Free Love fourth, and One Fine Pig fifth, while the Wild Hunt and the Jugglers are eliminated. At garage one, Jamal, Dong, and Hedy are waiting as repair crews rush out.

Who Appears

  • Carl
    Fights through the final Hermit waves, takes over the truck, and survives a brutal crash to win.
  • Princess Donut
    Chains Temporary Macaroni into protective tunnels, survives a face attack, and helps force the truck across the finish.
  • Gluteus Maxx
    Drug-addled driver grows increasingly unstable, then passes out just before the finish line.
  • Dwight
    Team Sparkles' unicorn racer who fires the cannon at Carl's truck and vows revenge afterward.
  • Jasha
    Keeps Carl updated during the race, reaches the finish, and helps pull survivors from the wreck.
  • Lucienne
    Dwight's teammate who survives the crash, taunts Carl, and threatens him before leaving.
  • Dorota
    Hidden helper in Donut's seat who tears a skull-creature off Donut's face.
  • Rapture
    Lady Dominator who stays in pursuit through the barrage and tends to Genesis after the crash.
  • Chiyome
    Reports that her side is blinded and overwhelmed before Carl can no longer contact her.
  • Corky
    Womantaur competitor thrown from the crash who is injured but still alive at the finish.
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